Saturday, May 24, 2014

Voice

I feel like I have lost my voice. My voice as a writer. Not my actual voice. I would know if I had lost my actual voice. I'm not a crazy person. I can still sort of write blog posts. I've basically still got a handle on this wonderful rambling, conversational style that I do so well. But I've lost those other voices. The voice that knew how to write fiction. The voice that knew how to write formal articles with the fancy words and everything.

I say this as I am going through crises in confidence of different sorts. I am questioning my intellect, my memory, my skill set. So it's no surprise that I'm also questioning whether I've lost my ability to write or whether it's simply being suppressed by all these other neuroses and panics that I'm in the middle of dealing with. All I know is that I can't write. I sit down and the words that flow from my fingers don't sound like "me". Whoever I am. That's another part of the problem. When you're having an identity crisis it's difficult to write in "your" voice.

I don't think I'm a complete mess. Somewhere in there, and my there I mean whatever's knocking about in my skull, I still feel capable of some degree of critical and rational thought. But I've either lost that magical level of confidence that lets you float through life unaware of your flaws, or at least not so hampered by the knowledge that you find yourself unable to accomplish anything meaningful, until you go back and read the things you wrote a few years ago... or I've actually lost any skill I once possessed altogether. Which is frightening.

Perhaps I should be trying to reinvent instead of rebuild. Perhaps I should embrace this opportunity to form a new identity and a new voice. But if you think that's a viable option for me, you clearly don't know me at all. It's probably my own fault for not writing enough blog posts.

Anyway, I will try to be back soon. Maybe next time I'll be able to write something that's not about my inability to write things. Maybe.

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