Saturday, May 31, 2014

This is So Upsetting

I know there are more important things happening in the world, but I found this so upsetting. So upsetting. I don't think I can even articulate why I found it so upsetting. I read it last night and I feel like it just kept piling on until I was crushed and cowering in a corner. This was so upsetting. I think there was something behind even the words being used like "bitch" and "shrew". It's not that I'm sensitive to that kind of language itself. For me, context matters when you throw out female-negative words like termagant and virago. It's not that I believe that there was anything malicious in the article or in the writer's intent. I just... I think it was the ease with which these ideas were discussed. There is something that made so uncomfortable about it. I felt insulted and hurt and not even quite sure why. It was just so unpleasant to read.

I'm not expecting a response to this. I'm venting my woman emotions. I think there's something valid in that. I'm not attacking or judging or asking for anything. I am just saying 'this is how this made me feel.' I don't think we're obligated to enter every discussion with a perfectly articulate, ironclad argument. This made me feel bad. I found it upsetting. That's all I have to say.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Voice

I feel like I have lost my voice. My voice as a writer. Not my actual voice. I would know if I had lost my actual voice. I'm not a crazy person. I can still sort of write blog posts. I've basically still got a handle on this wonderful rambling, conversational style that I do so well. But I've lost those other voices. The voice that knew how to write fiction. The voice that knew how to write formal articles with the fancy words and everything.

I say this as I am going through crises in confidence of different sorts. I am questioning my intellect, my memory, my skill set. So it's no surprise that I'm also questioning whether I've lost my ability to write or whether it's simply being suppressed by all these other neuroses and panics that I'm in the middle of dealing with. All I know is that I can't write. I sit down and the words that flow from my fingers don't sound like "me". Whoever I am. That's another part of the problem. When you're having an identity crisis it's difficult to write in "your" voice.

I don't think I'm a complete mess. Somewhere in there, and my there I mean whatever's knocking about in my skull, I still feel capable of some degree of critical and rational thought. But I've either lost that magical level of confidence that lets you float through life unaware of your flaws, or at least not so hampered by the knowledge that you find yourself unable to accomplish anything meaningful, until you go back and read the things you wrote a few years ago... or I've actually lost any skill I once possessed altogether. Which is frightening.

Perhaps I should be trying to reinvent instead of rebuild. Perhaps I should embrace this opportunity to form a new identity and a new voice. But if you think that's a viable option for me, you clearly don't know me at all. It's probably my own fault for not writing enough blog posts.

Anyway, I will try to be back soon. Maybe next time I'll be able to write something that's not about my inability to write things. Maybe.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

I hate my haircut

Yup. It has come to this. Frankly, I don't have it in me to be intelligent or insightful right now. So, yeah, I hate my haircut. I hate it just as much as I did the day after I got it. The first night when I was trying to get accustomed to my new haircut I was still trying to convince myself I didn't hate but by the next morning I had given up on that pointless endeavor. It's lopsided. Not asymmetrical. Lopsided. It is gradually layered on one side and on the other side there is one short section and one long section. But that is not the main reason I hate this haircut. The main reason I hate this haircut is that it's a safety hazard and a major inconvenience. To cut to the point, the shorter locks of hair whip into my face whenever I go outside. For some reason this seems to always happen when I am trying to cross the street. It's a miracle I haven't been run over yet. Before you say anything, I always tie my hair up in a ponytail and I have tried pinning down the loose strands. However, it was an effort doomed from the start as I have known for years that my hair has an intense hatred of restraints of any sort which was why I grew out my bangs in the first place years ago so I could always tie my hair up.

End of rant.