Wednesday, March 12, 2014

A Complaint About Magazines

Yup. I'm super trendy and relevant. So, magazines. I like you. I really do. I may not read you as much as I read books or articles online but otherwise I'm a great customer. I will subscribe to magazines I like and more often than not, if I have the time, I will read them from cover to cover. Yes, I will read all the nonsense you put in clusters around the page in teeny, tiny font. I will read the long, pretentious articles about politics or technology that are really just glorified opinion pieces full of big words. 

But you know what will make me stop reading? Interruptions. Distractions. I'm not talking about the phone ringing or realizing that it's 8:00 pm and there's a show I want to catch on TV. I'm talking about you, magazines. You're interrupting the flow of your own articles. I understand that sometimes and article is really long so you might want to put the last two or three pages at the back. I might not like it, but I can deal with it. I don't understand letting me read one page of a story and then putting in three ads before I can read the next page and then putting in four more ads until the next page. You are severely overestimating how interesting I find the story I'm reading and giving me a lot of time to consider doing something else. Do you not want me to look at the ads? Because if that's your goal, fine. I can skip right over the ads to get to the next
page of the story so I can finish reading the sentence you so rudely interrupted before I forget what the whole article was about. Do you want me to look at the ads? Because if you do, then you must not actually care whether I read the story because I've completely forgotten what it was about once I've finished looking through pages of ads. 

Why are you doing this, magazines? This idea is terrible. Really, truly terrible. I'm beginning to think you're lying about those statistics about people reading more magazines than ever. Unless everyone else just enjoys being abused by the print media they consume. Which, you know, whatever makes you happy.

Random Dating Safety Advice

Remember when I thought I was going to update this blog every day? God, I'm hilarious aren't I?

I'm also weirdo with trust issues but I still feel like I've come up with a sound piece of advice so hear me out.

Imagine the person you're with invites you over to their house or apartment. How sure are you that they aren't going to murder you?
Do you need a moment? I guess you didn't expect me to ask that. But really think about it. I'm not asking whether you think the person you're with is a sociopath or a serial killer with an elaborate torture dungeon. You've been watching too much TV. I mean, how much do you really trust this person and how much do you really know them? In all likelihood, your work friend Sarah and John, the guy you met on that online dating site, are probably not going to murder you. Probably. But if there is any doubt in your mind, don't put yourself in a possibly dangerous situation and trust your safety to another person who might not have your best interests at heart. I realize this sounds overly cautious, but I think it's a valid argument. And if you aren't sure they won't murder you, definitely don't sleep with one of them. Especially Sarah, because then things could be really awkward at work when you mention wondering whether she had a torture dungeon. But really, if you aren't at least convinced that they won't murder you once they've got you alone on their home turf where they've got all the advantages, then you aren't ready to sleep with them and you should probably put in a little more effort to get to know them.

The same goes if you imagine inviting Sarah or John over to your house. 
Except now this possible murderer knows where you live. Great.

Stay safe, kids. You're not replaceable.